Pretender Drabbles
by Haiza Tyri
Summary: A continuing series of drabbles on the Pretender. I am trying to write at least one for each episode. I may keep adding more interminably. Rated T for the occasional intensive psychological situations.
1. After Nia

_**During "Ranger Jarod."**_

_After Nia  
_

He awakened to sadness; nothing new. But he had thought for once it might be different. After what he and Nia had shared two hours ago, he thought the euphoria might last into his dreams. Instead he dreamed old dreams of identitylessness and awakened haunted. Yes, there was joy when she touched him and warmth inside when she held him. But now he carried her sadness, too. This too wasn't new—yet it was. He had made her part of himself in a way he had never done before. It was a different pain. But this one he could bear.


	2. Sons

_**After "Bulletproof"**_

_Sons  
_

When he had first seen Nick, his soul leapt out of him. He had recognized himself in him, the way he recognized himself in Jacob. He had never known it was possible to love your child so completely the first time you saw him, when you had never known he existed.

And he had lied, for his son's sake. Disclaimed the clinging of his soul to the thought of his son. Lying about love was so easy. Too easy. He had practice. "No, I don't love you. I'm not your father." While his soul cried, _Jarod, my son! My son…_


	3. The man she tried to kill

_**During "Donoterase"**_

_The man she tried to kill_

She didn't know she loved him until she stood outside his office and heard the order for his death. She had followed her orders, when she married him, with a mischievous smile. Trying to kill him…that had been orders too. Realizing she loved him? That was unexpected.

Miss Parker didn't have a monopoly on tragic childhoods. Brigitte had refused to admit even to herself the jealousy she had felt at Little Parker's relationship with _Daddy._ Why hadn't she ever had such a Daddy? Well, now she had him. And he was her husband, her baby's Daddy. And she loved him.


	4. Self reproach

_Self-reproach_

Her mother's face was reproachful, her eyes hurt. "How can you do it? What have you become? I don't recognize my little girl anymore."

"Mommy, listen—"

"No. You listen. I gave up my life for him. I died because of him and the other children! You're betraying me. You work for the people who killed me. You're trying to imprison the child I died to release. You may look just like me, but how can you call yourself my daughter? What kind of monster have you become?"

_"Mommy!"_

Miss Parker jolted upright in bed, bathed in sweat and tears.


	5. Ice cream and broken bones

**_Before the pilot episode_**

_Ice cream and broken bones _

This world, this strange, crazy, wonderful, terrible world—how can it hold such contradictions? It gives me ice cream—and Slinkies—and the Three Stooges. And it gives children broken bones and broken lives. It holds people who give everything they are to help others—doctors and nuns, firefighters and social workers. And it holds people who take everything from others, uncaring. It is a world of delights and horrors. What looks good can be bad. What looks ugly can be beautiful. How can I negotiate this confusing world? I must right the wrongs. That is my task, my penance.


	6. Don't

**_During the pilot_**

_Don't_

Don't think of the past. Put it behind you. Put behind you the happy little girl you used to be, before the world died. Don't think about Mommy, her happiness, her warmth, her compassion. Her weakness. Don't think about the elevator.

And while you're chasing Jarod, don't think about the little boy you used to play with, the one you could tell things to. Don't think about your first kiss. Don't think about him shouting to go to you when they dragged you away from Mommy in the elevator. Don't think about your friend. Don't think about the past. _Don't._


	7. When going to pieces holds you together

_When going to pieces holds you together_

Did Debbie know how much he loved her? He wasn't sure. Did she know how hard he had fought to win custody because he wanted her to have a good life? Did she look at his long hours of work and his many trips and hate him for being gone so much?

He hated how split in half his life was. At home he wondered why he didn't just quit his job and move far away so he and his little girl could have a normal life. But at the Centre, the idea of another life faded. They needed him.


	8. Gemini

**_After "Donoterase"_**

_Gemini_

They had always called him the Gemini, but that was no name. You had to call yourself something. He called himself Gem. But he had never told anyone that. He felt guilty hiding it from Mr. Raines. Calling himself Gem served no purpose. Yet he clung to the scrap of identity and hid it inside.

Suddenly he was telling it to Jarod's father, and Jarod's father's face went tight with pain. "Is that who you are?"

"I don't know who I am."

His hand on Gem's heart, he said, "Is that who you are inside?"

Considering, Gem said, "For now."

_Father_

The man called himself Gem's father. Gem said, "You're Jarod's father. I don't have a father. I was made in a test tube out of a scrap of DNA."

The man knelt in front of him and said, "You are Jarod's twin. Yes, your DNA was taken from his body, not mine and his mother's, but you share DNA in exactly the same way identical twins do. You may be twenty years younger, but you are his twin. That makes you my son. I don't care if you were conceived normally or not. You're my son. And I love you."

_Give up your life  
_

Gem was the one who gave up his life. Gem was the one who lived to serve. It was what he was for. He had always known that. The other people were the ones who asked for his life, told him what to do with it. They did not give up their lives. That was not what they were for. If anyone had suggested that other people should or would ever give up their lives, he wouldn't have understood. The world revolved around a boy without a name, just a designation, the Gemini, who existed to give up his life.

_Give up your life redux  
_

Gem had watched Jarod and his father. In the beginning, at what he thought of as his kidnapping, he had watched Jarod's father throw himself in the path of the car to let Jarod escape. To let _him_ escape. In the midst of his own fear and confusion, he understood that. And at the end, at what he thought of as his escape, he watched Jarod throw himself in the path of bullets to protect—his enemies? To allow his father to escape. To allow _him_ to escape. Jarod had given up his freedom, his life, for him. For Gem.


	9. Dragon House drabbles

**_(I have taken my two "Dragon House" drabbles, "Found and lost" and "My big brother," and put them together into one chapter of "Dragon House" drabbles with a few additions.)_**

_I decide who lives or dies_

_I decide who lives or dies. I decide who lives or dies._

It throbbed in his head. It throbbed in his sleep. The weight. The responsibility. Once it had been power, intoxicating. The power of another person's life or death, held in his hands. Mr. Raines had given him power. To hate was power. To hold a gun to another's head and decide whether he lived or died was power. The power had become weight. _I decide who lives or dies._ For every person who passed, he had to decide.

It was a weight he was ready to give up.

_Protecting Jarod_

"No. I'm not going to let you do to me what you did to my brother. You—leave me alone."

Hidden in the alley, Sydney smiled, hearing Jarod's voice, his words. He was proud of Jarod. He was proud of himself. He had taught him well, despite everything. _Go, Jarod. Run. Find your answers._

Then he saw Raines' hand creep into his jacket. Time and place swirled around him. He didn't have to see the gun in Raines' hand to know he was going to shoot Jarod. Without thought or volition, his own gun was out, aiming, firing. Protecting Jarod.

_Found and lost_

I saw them. _I saw them!_ Suddenly I'm not so alone in the world. I have a connection. I saw her say _I love you._ Out there, somewhere, is a mother who loves me. A sister who has never known me.

I lost them. _I lost them!_ Suddenly I'm more alone than ever before. In so short a space of time I have found and lost, found and lost. The world is more empty than it once was. My world is empty. Yet the world out there is not so empty as it once was. Mother, sister. I saw them.

_My big brother_

I saw him. Jarod. My big brother. My whole life has centered around him, our parents longing, searching, crying, fleeing, all for him, but I have never once seen him, until today. Funny. I have always thought of him as a little boy, the little boy in Mom's picture, with the big dark eyes. But he's a man, a tall man, with a strong, vital face. Only the eyes are the same. I would recognize the eyes anywhere. And yet they're not the same. I have never seen such hurt eyes. They haunt me, possess me. Jarod. My big brother.


	10. Angel's Flight drabbles

_Fallen angel_

Fallen angel. Flying angel. Jarod could almost have believed him. The beautiful young man knew how to project passion and care into his voice and eyes. He knew how to uncover a deepest wound and awaken compassion in others. For a moment Jarod had feared that his eyes would see into _him_ and bring out the pain pooled under the surface. He invited him to and almost hoped it was true. That a man could be an angel. That he could see into your pain. And heal it.

But the angel was no angel at all. Just a cheap con.

_How can a man not exist?_

The files held all Hawk needed to know. You didn't really need much, just that one item, that name, that date, and people thought you read minds. So it should have been easy to play this Jarod as Hawk played the others. Real pain had looked out of Jarod's eyes when he said, "You should try that on me." Pain was so easy to exploit. But Kessler turned up nothing on him.

"He doesn't exist!"

_"How can a man not exist?"_ Hawk screamed. He never found out. But the mystery of the man who captured him haunted him in prison.


	11. Survival

_**After "Survival"**_

_Flexibility_

Psychological flexibility. That was what Sydney found in the shipping container where Jarod had imprisoned Miss Parker and Mr. Lyle for several days. One warning sign—Do Not Push This Button—to trap them, for Mr. Lyle, who despised and did not understand him. Another—Do Not Pull This Lever—to release them, for Miss Parker, who understood him and did not understand herself. One man would think up one of those signs, another the other, but who would think up both of them? Jarod. He manipulated two different people two different ways, using one method. Flexibility. He would survive.

_Do Not Pull This Lever_

Afterward, Miss Parker understood the significance of the signs. Do Not Push This Button—for Lyle, who was impulsive, defiant, and stupid. Jarod understood him too well, manipulated him too easily. Lyle trapped himself by his own cunning.

Do Not Pull This Lever—for her. Oh, Jarod had her well-trained now. Once she would have pulled it. Now he said _Jump,_ and she jumped, just to see why. He was always telling her something. This time: her own freedom was in her hands, with a Centre sign saying Do Not Pull This Lever. She was too afraid to pull it.


	12. The dance, the game, the chase

**_Sometime in the second or third season_**s

_The dance_

Sydney stayed because he had to. There was, to begin with, the little fact that the Centre would probably have him killed, if he tried to leave. But the greater necessity was Jarod. If he left the Centre, he might never see Jarod again. He couldn't imagine living without the intrigue and fascination of the hunt for Jarod. He didn't want them to _succeed,_ of course. Imprison that high spirit again? Use that independent, brilliant mind for experiments? Cripple that seeking heart? Oh, no. But the _chase,_ the dance, the game Jarod played with them… Sydney couldn't give that up.

_The game_

It was a game, in a way, like the biggest game of hide-and-seek. Broots liked games. Computer games, mostly, but for him this was a computer game. His favorite part was when Miss Parker brought him some complex puzzle Jarod had created electronically. _That_ was fun.

He also loved puzzling out the mysterious gifts Jarod sent. There was always a fascinating meaning behind them. It was like playing Myst, only better. More real.

Sometimes he wondered why. Why did Jarod play the game instead of disappearing? Maybe in some strange way he just needed to know they cared. Broots cared.

_The chase_

Anger drove her. That was why she chased. She couldn't say she had any real loyalty to the Centre. In her more honest moments, which weren't many, she recognized that she hated the place. Jarod wasn't the only one whose life it had stolen. It held her hostage, and the ransom was Jarod. So Jarod would pay it. And the more often he slipped away, the tighter the noose was around her own neck. His taunting her about it only made her angrier, more determined to catch him, to be free.

And, she had to admit, the chase was fun.


	13. The world outside

**_Before the pilot_**

_The world outside_

When he first felt rain on his skin, he stripped off coat and shirt, spread his arms wide. When he first saw the sun rise, he cried. When he first heard birds sing, he sought them and studied them obsessively. When he first saw the flaming colors of autumn, he stood with his heart in his throat and stared for a very long time. When he first saw a rose, he touched the soft petals and pricked his finger on a thorn and laughed at the pain. They had taken the whole world from him, but now it was his.


	14. Violations

**_During "Risque Business"_**

_Violations_

Jarod could imagine what it was like to be Melissa Blass. That was what he did. He felt it with her, the anticipation of helping someone, the wild scream of fear surging through veins, panic, betrayal, terror piling upon old terror, the horror of being trapped. Then bodily violation, the crushing of self.

He could also imagine it because he had been there. Different situation, same emotions. Trapped, suffocatingly. Dragged from place to place, wild struggling to no avail, restrained, bodily integrity violated, treated as a thing for another person's use. Yes, he and Doctor Blass had much in common.


	15. Extreme Fear

_**During "Extreme"**  
_

_Fear_

Let fear work for you, Zed says, as if he invented the idea. What does an Australian motorcyclist punk know of fear? Let him feel the fear of a lab rat, killed and brought back for an experiment. Let him feel the fear of reimprisonment constantly hanging over him. Let him feel the fear of a little boy run through countless simulations of war, murder, terrorism, biological warfare. Let him feel the fear of a thousand victims as I have felt it. Let him feel the fear of never, ever finding lasting love. Then let him tell me about fear.

_Let fear work for you_

Let fear work for you, Zed says. I do that every day, every Pretend. Sydney taught me all about fear. I was an Apollo 13 astronaut, pushing through fear to find the slingshot solution. I was an assassin constantly looking over my shoulder, afraid to fail. I was a prisoner of war, understanding brokenness. I was a medical researcher, letting anxiety push me to find a cure. Sydney taught me that by feeling their fear as my own, I could solve their problems. Now I'll feel yours, solve yours, Zed. You are the problem. You've never tasted fear, until now.

_Become the monster_

Let fear work for you, Zed says. And I'm there again, in Sarah's bedroom, with a murderer and rapist, _becoming_ the murderer and rapist. He's pushing me, taunting me, and I'm fighting feeling his emotions as I fought them long ago, as a child. I felt the fear back then, the desperate fear that if I let him in my head, I would never get him out. I would become him. I feel it now, strangling. I feel the intoxication of becoming him.

And I defeat it. I _use_ it. You don't have to become a monster to catch one.


	16. What cost a night of joy?

**_After "Road Trip"_**

_What cost a night of joy?_

Why do I get the feeling that I'm the fortunate one as I watch Jarod walk away? I'm the one with cancer, he the healthy one. But the pain in his eyes as he kisses me brokenly and the halting step with which he leaves say otherwise.

I shouldn't have done it. A night of joy. A night in which to _live_ before I ended it all. That's what I wanted. That's what we had. But at what cost? Because now I'm going to live, and so is Jarod. And I've taken from him something he can never get back.


	17. Why would a man want to learn so much?

**_During "Curious Jarod"_**

_Why would a man want to learn so much?_

Why would a man want to learn so much? Sydney couldn't quite believe the man had asked that question. Of course he knew there were people for whom learning was not life, but he wasn't a Pretender. He couldn't imagine being such a person. To learn was to live. It was what he lived for.

He had taught Jarod the same thing. Jarod had a thirst for learning Sydney had never seen in anyone but himself. And as Jarod said, now he could read any books he wanted to. Learn anything he wanted to. Sydney envied him his new world.


	18. The man in the yellow hat

**_During "Curious Jarod"_**

_Who is the man in the yellow hat?_

_ It's intriguing how Jarod can see himself in a children's book._

He hears Miss Parker's voice in his head, speaking the words he won't let himself speak. _Oh, come on, Sydney. Stop using your clinical detachment to keep you from seeing what Jarod is really saying. He doesn't want you to be fascinated by how his mind works. He wants you to see how he sees you. Through the lens of Stockholm Syndrome, Syd. You're his jailer, Syd. You're his kidnapper. _

Stubbornly his mind retreats behind his yellow hat. _It's intriguing how Jarod can see himself in a children's book._

_To the man in the yellow hat_

You found him, happy in his natural environment. You took him away to a world he didn't understand. You made him forget his home, where he came from. And you were kind to him. Maybe that was the worst thing. You made him think he belonged in this strange new world. You made him love his cage, his jailer. But you never let him quite belong. You never gave him the one thing that would make him stay. And now his curiosity outweighs everything you gave him.

To the man in the yellow hat, from the monkey who got away.


	19. Who are you, little girl?

_**During "Wild Child"**_

Why didn't anyone ever do that for me? Ask, "Who are you, little boy?" See me not as an experiment, a subject, a specimen, but as a little boy? Why was I only an intellect and not a child?

I'll fight for this little girl's right to be a little girl. I'll steal her back from the people who stole her life. I'll be brother, father, protector. I'll love her. I'll hug her and laugh with her and find her a mom and dad. I'll do what no one ever did for me. Why didn't they? Why didn't you, Sydney?


	20. He cares

_**After "Until Death Do Us Part"**_

So he hasn't been taunting me all this time. Sometimes, maybe. We're like siblings. I really lost it when I thought he was taunting me with Thomas' death. On top of dealing with the anniversary of his murder, I couldn't cope with more…hurt. Because it did hurt. Because we'd been friends. Because we were like siblings. Because in some strange way we've been allies.

I never let myself believe it before. Jarod cares. He brought me Thomas. Thomas was taken away, but Jarod had nothing to do with that. It hurt him, too, for himself and for me. He cares.


	21. Lies

**_During "Spin Doctor"_**

_Lies _

The first words I ever spoke to a person outside the Centre were a lie. Even then I understood that the truth…would not be accepted by everyone. I was a Pretender. My whole life had been a deception, the lies told to me, the people I had to become. My whole life I was trained to become something other than I was, whatever that was. "You can be anything you want to be," Sydney told me, and I can, anything except myself. Who am I, after all? The lies are more true than reality, sometimes. When will there be truth?

_For now_

Every lie I tell protects the Centre. I'm looking Bailey Malone in the eyes—a good man, an honest, careful man—and I'm lying to him. If he knew the truth, he would help me, as would most of the people I've helped over the last four years. But I lie to them, perpetuating what the Centre has done to me, perpetuating its lies.

Someday the Centre and I will deal with each other. I will take the Centre down. And there will be no more lies. But for now…the Centre holds all my answers. So it must continue. _For now._


	22. Zombie dreams

___**Before the pilot, after events revealed **_**in "Once in a Blue Moon"**  


_ Annie danced around the living room, showing off for Mommy and Daddy, an angel of a child. Annie went out on her first date, like a princess in her new dress. Annie disappeared from her room in the night. Annie flailed beneath the hands of her attacker and died._

Annie's daddy woke from his dreams, sobbing, cursing. Not cursing the murderer. Cursing the little boy whose fear had condemned his princess. The vestiges of Raines' heart died with his little girl, and he walked the Centre as the living dead, and always he cursed the child responsible. Jarod would pay.


	23. Merry Christmas, Sydney

**_During "Not Even A Mouse"_**

_Discovering Christmas_

He wasn't sure whether Christmas was one of the good discoveries or one of the bad ones. It was a delightful discovery, when people suddenly started listening to special music and putting up special decorations. But it served to illustrate how much the Centre had taken from him. Suddenly he understood why everyone went away once a year. "The Centre thinks it best to isolate Jarod from popular culture." _Isolate him from popular culture?_ Isolate him from humanity, you mean. Destroy yet another part of what makes this human life worth living. Joy to the world. But not to Jarod.

_Merry Christmas, Sydney_

At first I wanted to accuse Sydney. Every year he went away to celebrate that great tradition of Christmas, and he left me behind in the cold, grey Centre to pass through yet another series of dull days and lonely nights.

But his Christmases weren't much better than mine. Silent, lonely hours spent at the side of a twin brother who never moved, never spoke, may not have even known he was there. A silent vigil of love. Sydney's Christmases weren't about merriment. They were about giving of himself without return. As mine will be. I'll give myself.

Merry Christmas, Sydney.


	24. Hope in the time of loneliness

**_During "Not Even A Mouse"_**

Gabriel Ryan's brother said to me, "Imagine wondering a lifetime if someone you love is out there or not. Thank you for saving my family that hell."

For a moment we were there together, feeling the same thing. The aching emptiness of wondering, not knowing.

Then something in me rebelled. Would he really rather have his sister dead than have to wonder where she was? Would I rather have my parents dead in that grave the Centre told me they were in or out there, far distant from me, but alive? I ache with loneliness, but I have that hope.


	25. Wrong tactics

**_During "Lifeline"_**

It was a mistake, standing there, quoting Scripture at Parker like that. They're words of life, but no one needs words of life crammed down her throat, least of all Parker. Don't they say that an animal in pain will fight even the hands that try to give it life? She was telling me the story of a painful life that had passed since we last met, and all I could do was tell her what she needed to do. Wrong tactic, Giuseppe.

But the words were truth. "Forgive, for your own peace of mind." Maybe someday she'll hear them.


	26. Criminal Behaviors 101

**_After "Rules of Engagement"_**

_Criminal Behavior 101_

"Sometimes the bad guy isn't who you think it is. The guy in the hospital room pointing a shotgun at a nurse and a Candy Striper might not actually be the bad guy. Oh, he's dangerous. He's wounded, and he's dangerous. But the real bad guy? He might be the man standing next to you, the doctor in the lab coat, the man you respect for his life-saving work. Because in this case the bad guy is the man who's been destroying lives and pocketing money, and that's not the guy with the gun. Appearances can be deceiving. Class dismissed."


	27. The state of being about to be shot

**_During__ "Ghosts from the Past"_**

_The state of being about to be shot: 2 contradictory perspectives _

This is it, the end. How can this be the end? How can thirty years of suffering and four of freedom, discovery, and more suffering end like this, out here in the dark, kneeling in a creek, by a shotgun in the hands of a white supremacist? How can this be the end?

I've failed. I haven't found all my answers. I'm still separated from people who love me. I've failed. Failed? No, not failed. I've lived. I've helped people. I've saved lives, saved families, given others what I've never had. I haven't failed.

_Our Father, who art in heaven…_

**Or, on the other hand...  
**

The moment Luke volunteered to kill him, Jarod knew the truth, astonished that he hadn't seen it before. But he hadn't tried to become Luke. He'd become a white supremacist, fanatical, loyal, stupid, not questioning the leader. The man had been perfect.

The moment between Luke's offer and Bartlett's acceptance stretched unbearably long. Neither could show his fear, or his relief. But then Luke was so realistic as he dragged Jarod out to the creek. The moment of kneeling in the water, with the man and his shotgun behind him, was suddenly full of fear. What if he'd been wrong?


	28. Ghosts from the Past drabbles

**_During__ "Ghosts from the Past"_**

_Pray for all of us_

"Well, ma'am, it's my hope and prayer that one day Bartlett will choose to end the hate and start the healing that only love and forgiveness can bring."

The world went still around Pastor Jones' words. How could he say them? Bartlett had tried to kill his two little daughters! Bartlett hated him for his skin, for nothing at all! Bartlett had made his life hell! He should _hate_ him. He should want to kill him. How could he say them?

And why did his expression say he wasn't talking about Bartlett at all?

"Better pray for all of us."

_Not one of us_

Luke could almost have laughed in relief, if the situation had not been so desperate. Of course! Jarod! The man had worried him from the start. All the boys worried him, they were so eager to hurt and destroy. But Luke could see darkness in Jarod, a depth of anger and pain that went beyond the others'. He was afraid of what this dark horse might do. And then he was the one who kept trying to leave.

But learning Jarod was another undercover agent—then it all became clear. He looked the General in the eyes. "Let me do it."


	29. No More Mr Nice Guy

_**Three continuous drabbles on Jarod's character development**_

_No more Mr. Nice Guy_

I met him twice before, and the second time the change in him saddened me. There was sweetness there the first time, and gentleness. He could look at a person and slip inside his mind, feel her emotions, suffer with him, offer her comfort just by the look in his eyes that said, _I know. I'm you._ He encountered people with a great tenderness, allowing his own pain to help him comprehend theirs. It was why people loved him immediately, trusted him immediately. It was why some people feared him.

The second time, three years later, the sweetness was gone, drowned in anger and pain. He still comprehended others as thoroughly as before; he still felt their pain; still was obsessed with helping, healing. People still loved and trusted him. But it took longer. The first expression of his eyes wasn't, _I love you_ but _What's wrong here?_ He could inspire fear as well as love in the people he was trying to help. He judged people more quickly now, spoke to them in ways he would never have done three years before. I wanted to ask him, _"Jarod, what have you let them do to your spirit?"_

And now, the third time? Well, it's all over now. The Centre…gone. The chase…over. No more fear, no more hiding, no more running. He has his family—what's left of it. Father, mother, and his strange clone/twin, who sometimes calls himself Gem and sometimes Thomas. Of all things in the world this is the one that has been hardest for Jarod to get used to. Love. Comfort. Security. He still has nightmares. He still cries when his mother hugs him. He and Gem are still getting used to each other. But it's coming back, the sweetness, the gentleness. And someday, when he has children of his own, the joy and the old sweetness will drown the anger and the pain.


	30. Sydney's sacrifice

**_After "Junk"_**

_Sydney's sacrifice_

_Dear God, Sydney loved me._

He sacrificed himself for me? He volunteered himself for drug experiments for me? To protect me?

That was when I started mistrusting him. That was when I started wondering if people who could do this to me even cared about innocent people. I knew Raines didn't. But I started to mistrust Sydney then, and it was then that he was proving that he cared.

It didn't work. It didn't protect me. But it doesn't matter. All that horror is gone now, from inside my soul. Because he tried. Because he loved me. Sydney loved me.

_Sydney's sacrifice_

I failed to protect him. I would have given my soul to protect him. I very nearly did. That brief drug addiction nearly killed me. Worse, it nearly destroyed my mind. But the worst thing of all was that it rendered me incapable of protecting Jarod. That was why I did it, to protect him. But I failed.

At least I tried. At least I didn't stand by and watch as Raines strung my boy out on drugs. That would have been the worst failure yet. I stood by for so many things, but not for that. I shared his torment.


	31. Take responsibility

**_During "School Daze"_**

_Take responsibility_

It occurred to him that his method of dealing with people would probably be considered extremely unusual to most people. Most people, if they were finishing up a meal in a restaurant and overheard a telephone conversation in which a man ordered someone to kill a child, would call the police. That might even have been easier than the way Jarod did it. But Jarod's instincts were not like others' instincts. His were to deal with the situation himself. His were to take responsibility. He trusted himself more than he trusted others. But he also had more to pay for.


	32. Au clair de la lune

**_During "Meltdown"_**

_Au Clair de Lune _

The thing about Pretends was that sometimes you could tell someone the absolute truth, and they wouldn't believe it or wouldn't listen to it. There was freedom in that. Jarod rarely told people the truth. It put people in danger and jeopardized his own missions. But sometimes he had the freedom to speak, and speak he did. There was freedom in pretending to be dying by inches, his mind slowly going, freedom to play Debussy's "Clair de Lune" on the piano and ramble about the perfume he almost could remember his mother wearing. Freedom to be open. Freedom from lies.


	33. The center of the universe

_The Invisible Man_

Jarod has always been the center of the universe. His own universe. Always being watched, always being evaluated, the one everyone went to for answers. Under other circumstances it could give a growing boy a swelled head. But for him it's just life, the way the universe runs. He can hardly imagine anything different.

But now it is different. He stands on a busy street corner, and no one pays any attention. No one makes him go somewhere, no one watches him, no one demands work and answers. Maybe that will get lonely, but for now, his soul feels free.

_The Visible Man_

Everywhere Jarod goes, he becomes the center of the universe. A small universe, the universe of his sphere of influence. He can't help it. People always swirl around him like stars around a galaxy's center. All he wants is to make things better, so he steps in, takes charge, becomes whatever is necessary. And people notice. They love him or hate him, trust him completely or find him strange and suspicious. But he never goes unnoticed. Inevitably he becomes the exact center of whatever situation he is in. He becomes the heart of the situation, the center of the universe.


	34. Twins

_**During "Jarod's Honor"**_

_Twins_

Twins have been Sydney's passion/obsession/delight for most of his life. Of course it probably has a great deal to do with being a twin himself, but he wonders if that is the sole reason. Being a twin taught him that there is a peculiar connection between twins, but it didn't teach him to be fascinated by it, to become a scientist and study it. The Centre has given him such opportunities for study and investigation. Perhaps it is ironic that the Centre also took away his own twin, in a manner of speaking.

It's too bad Jarod wasn't a twin.


	35. Under the Reds drabbles

**_During "Under the Reds" [one of my favorite episodes]  
_**

_Loyalties_

"You are not welcome here."

"All I have to do is call a sweeper team."

She'd hated using that voice and that threat on him. But he'd startled her with his sudden aggression—Sydney, who was never aggressive!—and he was impeding the search for Jarod. What could possibly be a bigger priority for Sydney than the Centre's bidding?

He let her into the room. He sat down in the chair and took the hand of the man in the bed. The world was swirling around Miss Parker. Why hadn't she ever known Sydney had a brother? A twin brother?

_Loyalties_

It was strange how her instinct was to protect. One moment she was threatening Sydney with threats she knew she would not fulfill, and the next she was reaching out in ways she didn't know she was still capable of. Pulling out the whole story, and being there with Sydney. Showing that she cared.

Then Raines' order—kill Sydney's brother? It was laughable, that they thought she would actually kill Sydney's twin. She comprehended suddenly that it was possible to have loyalties that went beyond the Centre. Sydney's was to his brother, and hers…was to Sydney. To the past.

_Loyalties_

Miss Parker showed me something today. Frightened, I wanted to keep her out at all costs. I had not protected Jacob for so long to see it end now.

But she showed me that I was right about her, before fear for Jacob clouded my mind. She showed me that somewhere inside her was still the little girl I had once been kind to, that once we had shared more than a job description. She saved Jacob's life, at risk to herself. There is much more to Miss Parker than what the Centre has made her. I can trust her.

_Oliver_

He stood in the doorway listening to Steven's father reading the last words of _Oliver Twist,_ by now so familiar a tale. It ended better for Oliver than for Steven. He watched them turn off the machines, pull out the needles, watched barren grief fill the faces of parents who had fought so hard.

The sims weren't the same as the real world. He had fought for these parents, and now their grief penetrated him like sharp needles sinking slowly through his skin. He stood in the doorway and cried with them. He hadn't known it would be like this.

_Hope_

In the midst of death there is life. Dickens was right. Even the most painful circumstances can have a glimmer of hope. He failed to save Steven Chambers. He failed Steven's parents. He couldn't save everyone. But he could save another boy. Steven's death meant that another family would not have to suffer what the Chambers were suffering. His death gave hope. What agency had determined that such hope should exist in the midst of despair?

He didn't know that one day it would be his brother's heart he would be giving up, offering hope out of his own despair.

_Instinct_

Jarod's instinct was to help me. After perceived betrayal, after the discovery of all the Centre had done to him—all I had done to him, he still reached out to help me. How did he possibly turn out like this? After everything we did to him, after the stunted life we gave him, how is it that his instinct is to give and protect? How did a boy who was never loved become a man who pours his love out on others? Even on Jacob. Even on me. I raised him. Is it possible that _I_ did something right?


	36. Paper clock drabbles

**_During "The Paper Clock"_**

_Verbal Betrayal_

Sydney worries about Jarod, wandering around in a world he has only known through the violence of simulations. Jarod doesn't know how to drive, has never used money, has never crossed a city street or walked down a dark alley. Which would be worse, the dangers of the Centre, or the dangers of the outside world? There is no Sydney to protect him out there. He's like a child, and the world is dangerous to children. Maybe…after all…it's better here. So he says it.

"Your home's here, Jarod. You were never meant to be outside in the world."

_A father's pride_

Sydney worries about Jarod, wandering around in the world out there. But every time he escapes, Sydney can't restrain his flash of pride. He knows Jarod thinks he betrayed him, a hurt he tries to suppress, but as Miss Parker bolts to the car, shoving him toward the other door, and the car fails to start, Sydney puts his hand up to hide his involuntary chuckle. Jarod had anticipated the Centre. Oh, yes, he gave Sydney his coordinates, but he had everything planned out in case the Centre did exactly what it did. Maybe he'll survive out there after all.


	37. A proud mother

_A proud mother_

Anyone can tell a proud mother.

"My little boy is an extraordinary child. He can learn anything."

They all say that.

"He loves science."

Naturally.

"He's a brilliant little mathematician, working his way through calculus textbooks."

_Calculus?_

"Once he sat down to show us how the church pianist really felt about music. We never knew he could play the piano! He had never touched it before that. It was beautiful. He simply watched her and played what was in her heart. I know every mother thinks her child is extraordinary, but I think my Jarod has been given something special."


	38. Respect the dead

**_During "Back From the Dead Again"_**

_Respect the dead_

I will never forget the professor's first words to us. He spoke to us about those cadavers we were to dissect as if he knew them, each of them, as if he had been with them when they died, knew their life stories, and somehow felt with them as they lay dead on the dissection tables. We had already been steeling ourselves for the task, making quiet jokes to make ourselves forget the reality of what we were about to do. Jarod Howard made us remember, and I will never forget the profound respect and compassion with which he spoke.


	39. Forgive

**_During "Back From the Dead Again"_**

_Forgive_

I can never forgive them for what they did to my boy. Dragging Jarod in like a convict to a torture chamber, like an animal to a slaughterhouse. Strapping him down as he fought and screamed. Watching his frenzied panic. Killing him. Over and over. He could have been dead when I returned from Europe. Instead he was so traumatized he suppressed his memories, then later, when hit with death, he suffered nightmares and flashbacks. I can never forgive them for what they did to my boy.

Can I ever forgive myself for what I did to my boy?


	40. Ignorance

**_During "Flyer"_**

_Ignorance_

"Ignorance is a poor excuse for murder."

With seven words he passes judgment on me. Automatically I tried to give him comfort. How could he have known that his research would lead to the bombing of Hiroshima? He was doing what he was told; someone else exploited his research. I was trying to reassure myself, too. But he speaks his own condemnation. "Ignorance is a poor excuse for murder." My condemnation. All those years, all those sims…all those murders on my hands. The crazy old man and I, we condemn ourselves.

Doesn't being an innocent little boy count for anything?


	41. My life as versatile putty

_My life as Versatile Putty_

I become anything. From the moment I crack a book on a subject, my hands and mind know how to perform it. No shake to the scalpel in my hands; no missing the beat of the music; no relaxing of perfect military posture.

I become anyone. No longer Jarod, I am the person, experiencing his life, feeling her emotions, taking the actions he took. I have died; I have killed.

Only a few times have I resisted the Pretend, when I feared that I would harden in the shape of what I became. But I'm versatile. I'm Jarod. The Pretender.


	42. The Centre's tool

**_During "Bloodlines"_**

_The Centre's tool_

Sydney wasn't comfortable with Miss Parker's way of talking about Angelo. He was trying to help Angelo, not merely for the information stored in his brain but for compassion on the ruination of his psyche, and Miss Parker spoke of it as simply another way to get her what she wanted. Give him his next dose, not so that he can regain his lost self, but so that she can get out of him what she needs for her own purposes. Treating him like an object, an instrument for her use.

_Like I treated Jarod,_ part of his brain whispered.


	43. A metaphor for life

**_During __"Every Picture Tells A Story"_**

_A metaphor for life _

The sensation of being submerged in water was unlike anything he had ever experienced. He hadn't even been able to imagine it completely. He had had to sim drowning once, but that had not taught him what it was like to exist in near-weightlessness. He found the peace of floating on his back, the tranquility of sinking down and watching the world from below the surface, the stimulation of a race, the fear and thrill of a high dive. Water was such an incredible thing. There was some kind of metaphor for life in that, but he wasn't sure what.


	44. Honesty

**_During __"A Virus Among Us"_**

_Honesty _

He had discovered that no one believed him when he was honest. "How did you learn this technique?" "I read it in a textbook." "How long have you been a lawyer?" "About seven minutes." People didn't hear what they didn't want or expect to hear. People out in this real world tended to expect it to be reasonable, and unreasonable truths could be laughed off and passed over. He wasn't sure whether it was funny, that he could tell the truth and not be understood, or sad, that his life was so odd that the truth about it was unbelievable.


	45. Bent

**_During __"Prison Story"_**

_Bent _

"If you lock a man away long enough, it bends him. Sometimes until he breaks."

Jarod knew he was bent. He knew there were things about him that others considered very strange, and other things that were probably seriously deformed. He knew his way of dealing with injustice was…unusual, to put a good face on it. He could think of nothing more _right_ than emotional justice, and yet it was so very opposite to the way normal society worked. He had never been allowed to experience and understand how normal society worked. He was bent.

But he hadn't broken yet.


	46. Really a good guy

**_After "Bazooka Jarod"_**

_Really a good guy_

That Jarod really was a good guy. I guess he was about my dad's age, maybe a little younger, but sometimes he looked like a kid, like when I taught him to blow a bubble. That was weird, but fun. When I first met him, I thought he was there to get me into trouble, like everyone my mom works with. The next time I thought Mom sent him to check up on me. He kept showing up, like a watchdog. You couldn't stay angry with him, though, not when he knew so much. He knew what was inside you.


	47. What about me?

**_During "Baby Love"_**

_What about me?_

"Do people ever get rid of their own children, Sydney?"

"Yes, Jarod. Unfortunately, they do. Some people have so much pain going on in their own lives they are unable to care for their children. Some care enough to give them to someone who will love them. Others…"

"Others try to kill them. Dump them in a box in a dumpster."

"Jarod, what has happened?"

"I found a baby. Just dumped, as if he was completely worthless. I don't know who threw him away. But it makes me afraid…"

"You're afraid your own parents might have thrown you away."

"Yes."


	48. CJ

**_During "Bomb Squad"_**

_C.J._

Angelo protects Jarod. From the beginning, when his senses first bumped up against the glowing figure that is Jarod, he has identified with him. Jarod is good. Jarod is a warm spot of love amid the coldness of the Centre. Be near Jarod. Find out about Jarod. When Jarod wants to leave and take his warmth away, Angelo helps because his identification is with Jarod. Protect him. Send him information. Let C.J. be their connection, the Cracker Jacks they once shared. If Angelo has a soul of his own, it is Jarod, and it is free, because Jarod is free.


	49. Fascinating

**_During "Bomb Squad"_**

_Fascinating_

Sydney listened with interest to the pyrotechnic expert's stories about Jarod. They made him chuckle with pride in Jarod and amusement at him. He wished he could be with him, watching him experience all the new things in the world, all the strange kinds of people it held.

He had trained Jarod to be interested in people. People were so _fascinating._ When he followed in Jarod's wake and met the people who had interested Jarod, he saw himself at work. But there was far more to Jarod's interest than to his, he admitted. Jarod _cared,_ while he was only…fascinated.


	50. Father's Day

**_During "Scott Free"_**

_Father's Day_

I lie to Jarod. So automatically. So easily. My life is about denial. Deny that there's anything wrong with the Centre. Deny that I had any reason to suspect they had brought in the children on false pretenses. Deny that over time my heart began to incline toward my young charge. Deny the fear that comes with every thought of emotional attachment. Science is all I need. It is pure, pristine. It protects me from having to feel. _No, Jarod. I can't feel a father's love for someone who is not my son._ Lie to him. It's easier that way.


	51. Unlovable

**_During "Nip and Tuck"_**

_Unlovable_

As a plastic surgeon, he saw people's inner agony. Beautiful women, flawless of body, who thought a new nose or a better bust would give them everything they longed for. But it wouldn't. The desire for a new nose or a better bust masked an internal sense that they were worthless or unloved. Never beautiful enough. Never good enough. Maybe a new body part would make them worth more, acceptable. But it wouldn't. He could see what it was inside they truly longed for. It was the same thing he longed for. Someone to love them. Just as they were.


	52. Helping Broots

**_During "Past Sim"_**

_Helping Broots_

It wasn't hard to help Broots, neither physically nor emotionally. It was simple to trace his wife and find out what she had been doing with the child support payments, even simpler to get it to the judge. From his surveillance, he had learned that Broots loved his daughter, wanted the best for her. He was the kind of father Jarod wished he had had. So it was easy to help him. Help the man who was trying to track him down? No, help a good father. Help a daughter who deserved better than the life she had been given.


	53. Timmy's gone

**_During "FX"_**

_Timmy's gone _

"Timmy's gone."

She's ashamed of herself. Suddenly. Not because of the new knowledge about Angelo. Not completely. Because of the difference between her mother and herself. Her mother risked everything to help Timmy, and now she has spent the last several years treating him as her own whipping boy and computer file. She had never pitied Angelo when he was just…Angelo. Why is he pitiable now and not then?

Angelo weeps for the loss of his self, and Miss Parker is filled with the agony her mother must have felt. Maybe she's not so much unlike Catherine Parker after all.


	54. The strong one

**_During "Indy Show"_**

_The Strong One_

Jacob was always the strong one. He was older by a full hour. He led in all their childhood play and work. He protected Sydney in the Nazi concentration camp. He let him win at tennis in college. He chose the Centre, and then later he rejected it. It was Jacob who was willing to go against the Centre and Sydney who wanted to keep the status quo. Jacob was the one who was open and easy, willing to change. And then he was gone, helpless, trapped, and Sydney was left to fill both their places. He filled them imperfectly.


	55. Safe

**_During "Indy Show"_**

_Safe_

Sydney weeps, the first time Miss Parker has ever seen him give in to such emotion. For a moment she's frozen, and then she does what comes naturally—even to her. She puts her arms around him, pulls him up close, feels his hand against her ribs and his face on her shoulder. Somehow Sydney has become family. She remembers how he made her feel when she was a little girl, safe. In the last year of working together, they have become friends, and he still makes her feel safe. Now she will do anything to help him feel safe.


	56. Who are you?

**_During "Collateral Damage"_**

_Who are you?_

"Who are you?" People always ask that. Once they see that I know something about them and what is inside them, they always ask, "Who are you?" They recognize that I'm something more than what meets their eye. They know intrinsically that I'm not like the rest of the world. I'm a Pretender, but I'm unable to Pretend to be normal. Perhaps I could never have been normal, as a genius in American society, but the Centre destroyed any chance I might have had to even try. "Who are you?" Would they believe I don't even know who I am?


	57. Fishing

**_During "_Hazards"/after everything**

_Fishing_

Afterward, they went fishing. They looked like any father and son might look, out for a weekend of fish and open air and campfires. They looked so normal, the older, grey-haired man in the soft cap, the tall, younger man, casting their homemade flies, talking quietly. Their conversation, however, would have boggled the mind of anyone who overheard them. They talked about "simulations" that mixed history with mystery, about a massive game of hide and seek, about captures and escapes. They talked about love, about father and son relationships, about science and emotion, about unresolved issues. And they quietly fished.


	58. Home

**_During "_Gigolo Jarod"  
**

_Home_

"What's a home like, Sydney?"

Sydney didn't tell him he hardly knew. As a child his home had been destroyed. Everything that made a home a home had been destroyed. His family murdered, no one left but Jacob, as scared and lost as he was. The foster homes and schools had never been homes. He and Jacob had lived to improve their minds, educate themselves. During their years of work together, home had been a place to stow belongings and sleep, because their lives were consumed by their work at the Centre. Sydney had never known a real home either.


	59. Silence

**_During "_Silence"  
**

_Silence_

Since I was very young, I have had terrible images poured into my mind. I have watched people burn themselves alive. I have watched people being executed. I have watched people being murdered. I have watched people agonized in battle.

What is worse, I have been all those people. I have burnt myself alive, been executed, been murdered, died in battle. As a child I have been forced to be the murderer, the man committing suicide. My young mind could encompass the actions, the motivations. My young emotions had a harder time of it. Sometimes silence was my only recourse.


	60. A normal life

**_During "_Crash"  
**

_A normal life_

Broots sees too much. Does he see that sometimes I would kill to have a normal life, like all these hayseeds I affect to despise? That couple, with their prosaic life, married all those years, going to church, coaching baseball—my life is hell compared to theirs. I know the tedium would get to me after a while, but perhaps I would even welcome the tedium in place of this, this life in which nothing is under my control. Not where I work nor what I do, not Jarod nor how I search for him. I just want some peace.


	61. The stranger's pain

**_During "_Crash"  
**

_The stranger's pain_

We stood in the doorway and listened to a stranger tell us how he had killed our son. In our pain and confusion, we saw that he was almost sick with pain himself. He might have run away, ignored his unknowing complicity in our son's death, but instead he chose to bring us Daniel's things, confess what he had done, and lay bare before us the guilt and horror and agony he carried. Communicating wordlessly, we invited him inside. He could tell us what had been on Daniel's mind before he died. We could tell him it wasn't his fault.


	62. That he lay down his life

**_During "_Red Rock Jarod"  
**

_That he lay down his life_

And then I understood what my brother meant. That woman clutched me, sobbing, and I knew what to do, pulling her close, whispering comfort into her hair. It was like nothing I'd ever felt before. Deciding who lived or died carried such weight. Saving someone suffused me with lightness.

And that's what gave me the ability to do what I did later, making the decision to wheel and take Jarod's bullet in my back. I didn't save just anyone. I saved my brother. And through him I will go on to save others. Greater love hath no one than this…


	63. Family ties

**_During "_Red Rock Jarod"  
**

_Family ties_

For once it wasn't us against Jarod. I know on Sydney's part it's never been him against Jarod. I think in his mind he's helping Jarod…somehow. But me…well, doing my job means it has to be me against Jarod. I don't pretend to unilaterally like it, even though it is kind of fun.

But there, for just a few minutes, we were like family, watching one family member go through horrific grief. I rushed to open the helicopter door because I wanted to do something to help, and I asked, "Will you be alright?" because I really wanted to know.


	64. Like me

**_During "_To Protect and Serve"  
**

_Like me_

"Officer Starr, there's a group of people like yourself…"

There are people like me? Other people who have lost their families, longing to see and know and touch the people who made them who they are? Are there really other people who can understand the intensity of my longing? All my life no one has ever understood. No one has ever really cared. Will these people who feel as I do care? I will care about them, feeling their hurt as my own, and I will understand it as I always do.

"Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone."


	65. Chasing mirages

**_During "_Mirage"  
**

_Chasing mirages_

Jarod always has been about playing games. Why is that, I wonder? Is it because he was conditioned to be mysterious by the peculiar, mysterious way in which he was raised? Or because he has always been trying to make up for never being allowed to play games? He's never had the opportunity to learn normal interactions. I just wish he wouldn't play games with my life. I'm supposed to be the one in charge here, tracking him down and putting him back where he belongs. But instead he has me chasing my tale, chasing mirages. Chasing my own past.


	66. Traitors

**_During "_Stolen"  
**

_Traitors_

What traitors we were. Strange that ratting out Jarod to Mr. Raines seemed like a traitorous action, but really, it was about Sydney, not Jarod. We were ratting out Sydney, and Miss Parker didn't like it any better than I did. I tried to apologize; she didn't. She stood there and sided with Raines, flatly and unapologetically.

Sydney's smile was like a wall. I wasn't used to that wall, though I knew he was an expert at putting it up. He could hide an entire world behind a smile. Hiding from us. We betrayed him, and he stopped trusting us.


	67. Flashbacks

**_During "_Stolen"  
**

_Flashback_

I couldn't kill him. Thank God, I couldn't kill him. I was on the attack, memories pouring into my mind, doing what I hadn't been able to do when I was a child. It felt like I should have been able to defend myself, and here I was, defending myself. I might have killed him as post-traumatic flashbacks took me over. But I couldn't.

And holding the little boy was like a gift, a gift to myself, to the little boy who never had a rescuer to hold him. Maybe I was comforting my younger self as I comforted him.


	68. Strange people

**_During "_Bank"  
**

_Strange people_

What were those people up to? The tall, dark man in the black leather jacket and the tall, beautiful woman in white and pink weren't like anyone else with us when we were held hostage at the bank. They weren't afraid, only angry. They confronted the bad guys like they were used to it, at home with guns and medical procedures and safecracking. And their relationship with each other was strange, at one moment at each other's throats, at the next working together with symphonic passion, at the next quietly sharing something of incredible importance to both. Who _were_ they?


	69. It's complicated

**_During "_Bank"  
**

_It's complicated_

Their relationship was complicated. The daughter of the Centre's head and the lab rat they kept locked up in the basement. The two Centre children imprisoned in different ways, old friends, maybe sweethearts. The huntress and the hunted. The seeker and the tormentor.

Did she hate him? Did he exist to torment her? Did he only give her snippets of her past so she would tell him about his? Did she remember the friendship they had once had? Did the past have any bearing on the present? Or was it wiped away in the flood of years and pain between?


	70. Therapy

**_During "_Crazy"  
**

_Therapy_

It was a release, really, to sit and tell the doctor all about himself. He could never talk about himself, except to the people who had made him who he was. Now he told it all and found relief in the telling, even though she didn't believe a word he said. She was predisposed not to believe him, probably not the best attitude for a psychiatrist. He knew all about psychiatrists. He'd been one once.

And there was a sort of sly glee in knowing that eventually the superior shrink would figure out that he really was telling the truth.


	71. Once in a Blue Moon drabbles

**_During "_Once in a Blue Moon"**

**_Two of these drabbles are old ones I've previously posted. I've taken them and made them part of this sequence._  
**

_Power _

From the beginning, the prisoner had all the power in the conversation. Jarod couldn't control his tells, his emotions running him. His tormentor leapt into his mind as easily as he leapt into others'. He knew everything. Jarod's old suffocating fear returned with all the force of a flashback. He was a child again, pushed beyond his endurance, choking in his fear. His opponent was the authority, the adult, the one pushing, the one in control. The one with the badge and the gun was the prisoner. The one in the orange jumpsuit behind bars was the jailer and torturer.

* * *

_Become the monster_ (During "Extreme," regarding "Once in a Blue Moon")

Let fear work for you, Zed says. And I'm there again, in Sarah's bedroom, with a murderer and rapist, _becoming_ the murderer and rapist. He's pushing me, taunting me, and I'm fighting feeling his emotions as I fought them long ago, as a child. I felt the fear back then, the desperate fear that if I let him in my head, I would never get him out. I would become him. I feel it now, strangling. I feel the intoxication of becoming him.

And I defeat it. I _use_ it. You don't have to become a monster to catch one.

* * *

_The Boogie Man's mistake_

His mistake was underestimating Jarod. Drunk on his power, he had never imagined that Jarod would be able to face his fear. Willard had earwigged a dozen men, uncovering their weaknesses and becoming what they feared. People didn't face what they really and truly feared, and Jarod feared becoming _bad._ He feared the seduction of the power evil offered. Jarod would cry and shy away, and Willard would earwig him, just like everyone else. What was the use of intellect if you let your emotions control you? He didn't realize Jarod had learned to control his…until it was too late.

* * *

_Choose the weak to shame the powerful_

In the end catching Douglas Willard in the act was easy. It was the set-up that was difficult. Jarod knew from the beginning that he had to play to the man's need for power. It came down to Jarod grappling with his fear and overcoming it by choosing to use it. Standing there, in the girl's bedroom, he had already planned for the choking fear, for the weakness, for the horror of being in the monster's mind. Give the man what he wanted, the triumphant feeling of power. Let him drop his guard. Then come from behind and destroy him.

* * *

_Zombie dreams_

_ Annie danced around the living room, showing off for Mommy and Daddy, an angel of a child. Annie went out on her first date, like a princess in her new dress. Annie disappeared from her room in the night. Annie flailed beneath the hands of her attacker and died._

Annie's daddy woke from his dreams, sobbing, cursing. Not cursing the murderer. Cursing the little boy whose fear had condemned his princess. The vestiges of Raines' heart died with his little girl, and he walked the Centre as the living dead, and always he cursed the child responsible. Jarod would pay.


	72. Sidebyside

**_During "_Betrayal"**

_Side-by-side_

Working with Jarod had to be the most surreal thing that had ever happened to Broots. Here he spent every waking hour trying to catch the guy, and suddenly they were buddies, hanging together, saving each other's life? Broots had never even met him before he escaped. He'd known about him, of course, the valuable, brilliant Jarod. But suddenly he'd become the enemy, and Broots had spent the last couple years with fear and admiration warring inside him. Jarod was a combination of the Boogie Man and the Lone Ranger. Now they were working side-by-side. It was kind of neat.

* * *

_It matters to me_

The expression in Jarod's eyes when he shot Damon just about killed Broots. He suddenly knew something about Jarod that had only been academic before. He'd known Jarod respected life, that it hurt him to see someone hurt and even more that he'd helped to hurt people. But seeing the horror, and hollow pain in Jarod's eyes when he shot the man who had betrayed him, murdered his friend, callously wiped people out, and tried to deprive a little girl of her daddy… "_It matters to me!"_ Broots would always remember that. It would always matter to him now, too.


	73. It's not easy

**_During "_Betrayal"**

_It's not easy_ (during "Betrayal")

"He killed Damon."

"Good."

"Miss Parker, you don't understand. He _killed_ a man. He's spent his entire lire trying to help people, and now he's killed one. He doesn't know whether he did it for revenge or to save Broots' life, or both, and it's eating him up inside. It's difficult, but I'm glad he feels this way."

_"Glad?"_

"He's realized, Parker, that revenge is hollow, and that killing, even to save a life, is no light and easy matter. He will still have a reverence for life, and the next time revenge is on his mind, he'll think twice."


	74. Strip club

**_During "_Parole"**

_Strip club_

He wondered if anyone else saw what he saw. Looking around, he saw that no one did. All they saw was bodies offered up for their pleasure. No one but Jarod saw the human eyes and human minds and souls slowly coming apart. Beautiful bodies that danced; hating eyes that cried for something different. There was no human dignity in this job. It was like a butcher shop, slabs of flesh laid out for consumption by others. Jarod knew what it was like. In his case it hadn't been about his body but his mind, dancing for someone else's consumption.


	75. Black widow

**_During "_Someone to Trust"**

_Black Widow_

Ah, a victim. The most important part of a successful bombing, other than the delicious rush of the explosion, is having someone to take the fall. And here he is, the man who saw me being oh, so sweet and altruistic to that family. A very handsome man and one, apparently, attracted to sweetness and kindness, as well as to vulnerability. Strange profession he's chosen, given that. But everyone's got a weakness, like mine for children.

I suppose, if I think too much about what he said when we first met, I might regret it. I won't think about it.

_

* * *

_

_Impulse_

The impulse to help the little homeless family had been just that: an impulse. Maybe it was that the little girl in the car reminded her of herself at that age. Maybe it was that her manager annoyed her, and she just wanted to do something that would really, really annoy him back. Maybe it was that there was a handsome stranger looking on, and she had an image to maintain. Maybe it was all of the above. She never expected them to come back later, invading her privacy, interrupting her plans, and, above all, making her unexpectedly hate herself.


	76. Unwanted

**_During "_Someone to Trust"**

_Unwanted_

He's done a lot in his life. The sorts of things that made his tough big sister throw up when she learned about them. And sure, he enjoys them…(doesn't he?). Anyway, who would want to be _normal?_ Psychosis is what you make of it, after all.

But he can't stop watching the recording. And he can't help wondering, _What if it had all been different?_ What if they'd been a normal, happy family? What if he hadn't been thrown away? What if he hadn't been the unwanted one? Why was he unwanted? _Why?_ Mr. Lyle wipes away his tears.


	77. Trust can kill you or set you free

**_During "_Someone to Trust"**

_Trust can kill you or set you free_

There I was, prating to Miss Parker about seeing people for who they are, and all the while Kristi was playing me for a fool, giving me exactly what she knew I wanted to see. In one simple little interaction, she saw instantly what was important to me, and she gave it to me in spades. Telling me about her childhood, becoming distraught and tearful, arousing my protective instincts. I saw a kind, hurt person in her, and I believed implicitly in that person. Strange, that after everything that happened, I can't help believing that that person was really there…once.


	78. Save one, destroy the other

**_During "_Flesh and Blood"**

_Save one, destroy the other_

My passion for my son is hurting Jarod. Here I am, giving everything in my soul to help Nicholas, acting in ways even I know are foolish, all to give him freedom, a chance at life. And Jarod is watching, helping, analyzing me and my motivations.

_ I have to save Nicholas!_ And meanwhile, my job description is to destroy Jarod. The only person who has come close to being my son, before Nicholas. Is he less my son because I have a blood connection to this young man I've only just met? Do I owe him less? He thinks so.


	79. Kill Lyle

**_During "_Flesh and Blood"**

_Kill Lyle_

I wanted to do it. I really, really wanted to do it. I wanted to kill Lyle with everything in me. Almost. Because in the moments when I had him at my mercy, I remembered killing Damon. In the middle of rage, pain, and desire for revenge screaming at me to pull the trigger, I remembered the emptiness and horror I had had after Damon was dead. For once I didn't trust my feelings. I chose to trust Sydney's wisdom and my own brain telling me that killing Lyle wouldn't help my pain; it would only give me more pain.

* * *

_Mercy is power_

_ He didn't kill me! He was supposed to kill me! _

Lyle was furious that Jarod hadn't killed him. Not because he wanted to die, exactly, though sometimes he thought that might be a relief. But he had been forced to accept _mercy_ from the lab rat. He wasn't the sort of man who believed he was indebted to a man who could or should have killed him and didn't, but it infuriated him that the man he hated had had mercy on him. It gave him a kind of power over Lyle, and Lyle didn't think he could handle that.


	80. Predators

**_During "_Murder 101"**

_Predators_

Even before being sure that Claire was her professor's murderer, Jarod saw her as a predator. From the moment she stood up in class and proved her visual acuity and quick mind, as well as the depth of her arrogance, he had been certain of her character, even if not of her crime. It didn't matter that she was young, brilliant, and beautiful. He wasn't falling for that again. When she tried, blatantly, to seduce him, he almost laughed in her face. She was a predator, and he wasn't interested in predators. Except in catching them and giving them justice.


	81. Blood on my hands

**_During "_The Assassin"**

_Blood on my hands_

How could he understand? My situation was so specialized, so secret, so peculiar. How could this tall, dark man in black leather, strangely ominous, strangely compassionate, understand what it was like to have innocent blood on my hands, unknowing? He did understand. Sometimes he seemed to be inside my brain. Sometimes he seemed to be understanding me through his own situation, whatever that was. What had he been through to teach him the kinds of things I thought only I knew? I wanted to trust him. I couldn't. Too much was at stake. But his eyes haunted me. They knew.


	82. Nosy Parker

**_During "_Unsinkable"**

_Nosy Parker_

Blast Sydney and his infuriating psychiatric inquisitiveness! Why does he have to see so much? Why does he have to poke and prod at it instead of keeping it to himself? I never asked him to stick his nose in my personal life. Didn't he once tell me that "Sydney's personal life is not up for discussion"? Why can't he extend the same courtesy to my life? Just because we've worked together all this time—just because he comforted me when I was a child—just because he's become family to me—just because he cares… Is it his business?


	83. Physics and geometry

**_During "Pool"_**

_Physics and geometry_

Jarod was the most talented pool player I've ever seen. Interesting, because I was the one who taught him, and I'm not the best pool player in the world. More interesting yet, he went from being a very mediocre pool player to being the single most talented pool player I have ever seen _in one afternoon._ Of course, he already knew how the balls and cues worked, about friction between ball and table and how balls exchange energy when they hit each other. He taught me about all that. But he didn't know how to _play._ I taught him that.


	84. Butte

**_During "In the Hour of Our Death"_**

_Butte_

The worst thing about nearly dying in Yellowstone was that he hardly got to see any of Montana. Sure, he'd seen Alaska. But the mountains in one state were far different from the mountains in another, and he'd wanted a chance climb these mountains and experience what all the fuss about Montana was about. Butte, though, was a great town. He learned more about the history of copper mining in his short time there than he'd thought possible. Father Moore fed him full of pasties (a Butte specialty) and copper mining and family history. He'd have to come back here.

* * *

**Author note: **I was born in Butte, Montana and have relatives there. I was so delighted to see Jarod going there in an episode! Even though he never really got there...


	85. Sorry

**_During "Wake Up"_**

_Sorry_

My friend! My friend is dead. Why does everyone I care about seem to die? Thomas Gates was such a good man. He cared like no one I have ever met. How did I know immediately upon meeting him that he would draw something out of Miss Parker that even I have never been able to draw out of her.

And now her devastation is on my hands as well. I sent Thomas her way. Everything happened as I hoped, and now she is suffering even more than if he had never been there. I'm sorry, Miss Parker. So sorry.


	86. Obvious

**_During "Donoterase"_**

_Obvious_

Sydney knew what it was the moment he saw the scrap of paper. Gemini. The twins. Jarod's genetic code. It was obvious. Extraordinary—unbelievable—but obvious. He knew instantly what he had to do. It meant keeping Miss Parker and Broots out of it, breaking some of their trust and belief in who he was. He hated to do it. When would they ever trust him again? But he had to do it for Jarod, and even more for the innocent child created in his image. He could only hope that Jarod would understand what he was trying to do.


	87. Mr Cox doesn't do mundane

**_During "Until Till Death Do Us Part"_**

_Mr. Cox doesn't do mundane_

What would they think if they knew his father had owned a corner grocery store? Nothing could be more mundane than selling lotto tickets and cigarettes and candy. _This_ Cox did not do mundane. He never had. He had spent his whole life separating himself from the horrific mundanity of his family and home life. No one could ever find out the truth. There was no respect and fear for the normal man at the Centre. What would mysterious Mr. Cox be without the macabre history he had made up for himself? Nothing but another small man in a suit.


	88. Arrogant

**_During "Spin Doctor"_**

_Arrogant_

Jarod had found himself arrogant. In his quarrel with Rachel, suddenly he found himself refusing to believe that a different view of the case could be correct. _He_ was the Pretender, and he alone knew how to _really_ get inside a criminal's head. Rachel's opinion was simply…wrong. That was how it had always been. And he had allowed it to make him arrogant. Him, Jarod, who had always cared about other people, really cared about how they felt and what they thought.

It was only after he came to his senses that he realized they could both be right.


	89. The empath

**_During "The Better Part of Valor"_**

_The Empath_

Sydney was fascinated by Angelo. Where had they found him? He had never known such a phenomenon was possible, that a human being could absorb the feelings of the people around him like a sponge. He had known highly empathic people himself (Jarod, obviously, had a high degree of empathy), but he had never known a true empath like Angelo. With Angelo, Sydney shifted back into psychiatric scientist mode, eager to learn everything he could about the phenomenon. He had no reason to believe it was anything but natural…until much, much later. Only then did he become appalled at himself.


	90. Treasure your love

**_During "Jaroldo"_**

_Treasure your love_

One of the most tragic things Jarod discovered was the propensity of families to tear themselves apart. Here was a man who had a family he loved, and he, or they, had somehow allowed themselves to destroy everything, to the point where he was now standing on a rooftop, prepared to jump. When people had families, why didn't they hold on to them for all they were worth, treasure and cherish them? Why did they let what they called life drag them away from what meant most? Life was not really life without people to be close to and love.


	91. Give me comfort

**_During "Jaroldo"_**

_As if anything you could ever do could give me comfort_

A little girl sits all alone. People swirl around, talking quietly, and she is alone. A tall man in black talks somberly with other people in black. He sees her. He pulls his lips back in disapproval.

Another tall man sees her, too. For a moment he's shocked. Who lets a little girl sit alone crying at the funeral of her mother? At a time like this, a child should be held, comforted. He walks swiftly toward her. "Miss Parker." She looks up, startled, maybe a little afraid. He takes her hand. She turns to him, and he holds her.


	92. Joshua

**_During "End Game"_**

_Joshua_

_"When a child is taken from his home, he eventually loses all sense of what is real and unreal. Without that connection to the people that he loves, without that nurturing, his mind can easily be molded—" _

_ "—his loyalties changed, his intellect honed, his very identity so altered he doesn't even know who he is anymore."_

I can see things. Things in others no one else can see. It's why I'm an FBI profiler. And I see things in Jarod Doyle that perplex me. Sometimes the look in his eyes isn't just the expression of a detective viewing disturbing, grisly remains. Sometimes when he speaks of the brainwashing of the Joshuas, I think he's not actually talking about them. He speaks from some place deep inside him, some area of pain and memory. Sometimes I don't see a man in him. I see a child trapped by his past, lost, alone, afraid. Who are you, Jarod?

* * *

They told me later what Jarod had done. How he attacked "Father" with no regard for his safety and the huge knife in "Father's" hand, how they tumbled down the hill, how "Father" tried to attack him, how he attacked "Father" in return, how he beat him blindly, screaming, "No more killing! No more! _No more!"_ How he ran desperately up the hill to the brainwashed boy sitting dazed and alone and clasped him in his arms, gasping, "It's okay—it's okay" over and over. My assessment: post-traumatic reaction. Jarod was a kidnapped child. What did they do to him?

* * *

Jarod hadn't realized how much he owed Sydney. The Centre had done its best to erase who he was, and it had done a fine job. He barely remembered his parents. He didn't know who he was. And yet he was still Jarod. The man who had raised him had never tried to brainwash him, had never trained him to do evil. In fact, he had taught him what was right and wrong, had trained in him a sense of justice and a desire to do good and help people. Sydney had protected him from cruel people like Mr. Raines.


	93. Heir

**_During "End Game"_**

_Heir_

I have spent my whole life trying desperately to do and be everything Daddy wants, and now, when I thought I was succeeding, he finds himself a new family. He finds his lost son, never caring who he is or what he's done, treating a murdering sociopath with as much pride as he has ever treated me. He finds out my beloved mother was murdered, and he promptly goes and marries the woman who tried to kill him. And now they're having a baby, an heir. And what am I, if not the heir to everything that makes us Parkers?


	94. Like mother, like son

**During "Homefront"**

_Like mother, like son _

A mother can't operate on cool intellect, Jarod! Can you understand what it is like to be without your children for three years and then to have an opportunity to see them? Just to look at their faces and see for yourself that they are alive, healthy, and well. Be patient, you say. Sit in this hotel and wait, you say. I _couldn't!_

Neither could you, in my place, Jarod. Your intellect isn't cool. Your mind rages as hot as any mother's. Don't blame me for giving in to the longings any mother would feel. You can't contain your own.


	95. Chinese and mysterious

**During "Mr. Lee"**

_Chinese and mysterious_

She'd enjoyed it, working for Mr. Lee. The blind man thought he could see everything. And he spent so much time focusing on Jarod that he never saw what was right under his nose. Really, was there any such thing as an assistant as perfect as she'd been? It was fun, finding out about Jarod with him, distracting him with the people she made him think he needed to interview, sending status updates under his very nose, misdirecting him with her results. He thought he was so brilliant, being all Chinese and mysterious. Well, she was Chinese and mysterious too.


	96. What I'm capable of

**During "Keys"**

_What I'm capable of_

Daddy thinks he knows what I'm capable of. Maybe so. He made me who I am, after all.

I only know what I'm not capable of. Gentleness. Kindness. Compassion. All the things Mommy was. All the things she might have made me.

I used to think she was weak. She killed herself because she was weak. She cared because she was weak.

I'm not strong enough to be what she was. I'm not strong enough to fight, strong enough to care. That's what I'm not capable of.

"You try to act like your father, but he's not who you are."


	97. The Hated

**During "Over The Edge"**

_The Hated_

It hadn't always been his goal to be hated by everyone he worked with. A long time ago it had just been his goal to be a doctor. Life happened. The Centre gave him opportunities. Annie died. Timmy was too interesting to pass up. Sydney and Jacob were infuriating. Mr. Parker was a pompous idiot. Power was much more interesting than medicine. The Hippocratic Oath was a pointless barrier to his real work. He liked the feeling of owning Jarod. He was dying. Making Miss Parker jump at his bidding was ever so fun.

Life was much more interesting now.


	98. Insects vocalizing

**During "Unhappy Landings"**

_Insects vocalizing_

The first insect he heard was a grasshopper, the whirr of its wings as it leapt onto his shirt. The second was the metallic chainsaw of a cicada, not that he knew what a chainsaw sounded like. The third was the cheerful, creaky chirp of a cricket.

He loved the sound insects made. They made the world sound alive. That's why when the marshal mentioned beetles singing in German he thought that was a fantastic idea. Beetles should sing in German, crickets in Chinese, and cicadas in Klingon. Finding out later about the Beatles only made him love insects more.


End file.
